they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
