Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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