Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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