home. puking in laundry basket.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
