Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
