Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
