There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
