oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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