He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
