You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
