last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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