woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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