she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
