I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
