I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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