I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
4 words: hood of his car
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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