I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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