Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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