In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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