i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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