i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
