I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
