There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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