I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
