I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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