Michael Bay diarrhea
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
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You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
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White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You ever have a fart follow you around?