so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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