I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
