considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
