Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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