We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
