He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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