I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
