I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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