i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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