I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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