i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize