so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize