i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
