Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
