Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
why do cheetos always look like penises
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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