he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Of course I have a pirate flag
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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