Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
