he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
