I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
