i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
