I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
