it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
