My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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