non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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