I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
