vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
