New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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