proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
