I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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