Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
