wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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