Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
