o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
